Another day, another nut to crack

Dear all,

I woke up very late today, practically lunchtime. Then, in the afternoon, it was off for another stint working at the charity shop. It’s been about one and a half years now, every Saturday afternoon. I’ve seen volunteers come and go, but the shop stays the same as ever. I’ll be stopping when examtime comes, and I’ll miss it. I won’t go back, because I’ll be off to university in the autumn. Some other bright young spark will take my place. How sad.

I’m trying to burn the Forever Plaid soundtrack onto a CD for my maman, but it keeps not working. It takes forever to burn it and then, when it claims to have finished, it says “You have inserted a blank CD…” and I just want to kick it because after all that time it hasn’t burned at all! See, I bought it off iTunes and we want a CD version so we can listen to it in the car and in the kitchen. You’ve gotta love the vocal harmonies…!

The aforementioned maman is very upset because squirrels ate her tulips. She has, therefore, been thinking up various dastardly ways to make sure the squirrels never come back. We have two cats, but they’re afraid of the squirrels (we get big mean squirrels, not dainty little fuzzy ones), so we can’t rely on them. Maman has sprinkled chilli power liberally over the tulip bed and any other areas of the garden that the squirrels like to frequent. The idea, according to her, is that:

a) the bastard squirrels take a big mouthful of tulip, taste the chilli, and never make such a stupid mistake again.
b) the bastard squirrels wander all over the flowerbeds, getting chilli on their paws and then, when they rub their ugly little eyes, they’ll never see again! Hah hah hah!

I think the woman bears a grudge. Now, I can countenance chilli powder because it shouldn’t cause any truly lasting damage – just a lot of discomfort. However, now maman has two new plans:

1. Squirrel traps. The kind where you prop open the door of a cage, put a tasty treat inside and wait for the squirrel to walk in and for the cage door to close on it, trapping it in. However, you then have to take the squirrel to an appropriate place to release it. The park would be far too close to our house, but I’m not sitting in the car with an angry caged squirrel driving for hours to let it out to ruin someone else’s garden.
2. Mouse traps. The traditional kind. I object to this on humanitarian grounds, and also because it’s unfair and unsightly. I mean, you don’t give the squirrels much of a chance, do you? One false step and they’re crippled for life! Also, I do not want to wake up, look out of my window and be greeted with the cheerful sight of swathes of squirrels moaning and hobbling and trying to wrest the jaws of the mousetrap from their tiny broken legs.

On the plus side, my stomach is feeling a great deal better, and I will soon be able to eat normally again. Hurrah!

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.


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