The lark’s on the wing

Dear all,

It’s the afternoon and I’m sitting in my garden trying to find a critical analysis of conservatism somewhere among my philosophy notes. I’m also trying to to find anything more on liberalism, as I have quite enough. I’m also trying to work out whether socialism is communism or whather communism is a subset of socialism.

Today is a glorious day. The sun sun is out, the sky is blue, there’s not a cloud to spoil the view. I can hear birdsong, the gentle drone of insects and some children playing several doors down. I’ve brought my laptop outside to get some work done, but it’s hard not to just sit and muse over the beauty of nature. To be honest, apart from my cats, I feel very alone out here – not lonely, just solitary – even though I now my parents are just inside the house.

It’s such a wonderful place to sit and think, resting in the shade on one of our garden chairs. I was wondering just now – can people in comas get hiccups? If so, how do they make it stop? You can’t get them to hold their breath or drink a glass of water upside down.

My initial enthusiasm for revision has faded, and I am slowly settling into my usual holiday routine. I read, watch a film, do some tidying, do some cooking, run errands and have some time sitting and doing nothing at all. Today I made asaparagus soup, although it turned out rather stringy – mainly because I had a mishap with the blender.

The flowers are out in the beds, and this summer’s crop of salad leaves, herbs, tomatoes, strawberries and raspberries is slowly coming along. I persuaded my mother to expand our rather tired repertoire this year, because I do so enjoy growing things that have a clear purpose. Not that flowers aren’t nice and beautiful and all that, but fruit and vegetables give one such satisfaction.

I shall have to get on with things, I think, before I drift into sleep. The sun is so very warm, and I am so very comfortable. Yet needs must – philosophy calls. I angered Luke last night when we were talking about existentialism. You know, I feel very boring talking about Luke all the time. Perhaps it would be better not to mention him at all. I shall try my hardest not to, except possibly on Monday (when we intend to go to an art gallery together). I think that an outing is a legitimate thing to write about.

I charge you, dear reader, to spend some time outside this weekend. Just sit and think and admire everything around you.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

P.S. I am rather taken with the idea of giving my posts titles from poems or books or quotes. From now on, bonus points to anyone who explains the reference in the comments section.



Dear all,

Last night I went to a political meeting. It was awesome to the max.

Today I wrote an essay.

I also watched Sabrina for the first time. I love Audrey Hepburn. But it reminded me a little of my situation.

And so still I cannot stop thinking about Luke. I would so love to kiss him.

Yet needs must. It is dinner time.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

No go

Dear all,

Well, it didn’t happen with Luke today. We’ve rescheduled for Monday. I have a birthday present for him that I’ve had for ages (his birthday was nearly two months ago) that I need to give him then, but I don’t know what to do about a card. In that respect, I’m kinda glad our meeting has been postponed! It gives me more time to think. I want something nice, and ambiguously flirty. Something that could be taken either way, so he’s not sure whether I’m flirting or not. I have a cute card with two birds painted onto it, but am not sure what to write inside. I usually do snappy limericks or short poems for birthday cards, but am majorly stuck on this one.

I’ve been thinking about what I would want from a boyfriend, and have come up with a mere two ideal characteristics – everything else is negotiable, but these are my deal breakers.

1. He has to be interesting.
2. To a certain extent, he has to take control.

Regarding the second, I really like it when guys take control of things, planning outings and making the first move and so on. It’s so nice to have everything sorted out for you. So there’s another tip, guys.

Regarding the first, I love really intelligent guys who know a lot about a particular area. I don’t really mind what his intellectual obsession is – be it poetry, physics or trainspotting – but I find it very attractive when someone really cares that much about something.

I enjoy building things – lego, meccano, IKEA – and today we bought new garden chairs – the old ones are just dying. I’m going to go and assemble them in a minute.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

This is a war, not a garden party

Dear all,

Last night I went to the cinema with Thomas #1, to see “In The Loop”. I did find it very funny, but it didn’t really feel like a film. I know it came out of a TV series, but when things are in cinemas you expect them to be a little different. Also, I felt really rather ill. If I’m in a car for a long time, I don’t exactly get motion sickness, but I need to open the windows and let fresh air in. I get a headache and I get restless and uncomfortable, and that’s exactly what I felt in the cinema. I’ve never had it anywhere but in a car before, and it was most disagreeable. However, I lived to tell the tale, although I did somewhat rush off afterwards to get home and lie down. I didn’t even have any dinner because I was feeling so ill, and I’d hardly had anything at lunchtime, so I felt all out of sorts today. I’m much better now, though.

I spoke to Chris on the phone last night. He was tired but basically fine. I asked his advice about Luke. Chris always gives very good advice, because somehow it’s always exactly what I need to hear at that moment. He also told me a funny story about how when he was younger he used to talk to girls he liked about other girls he liked, because for some reason he thought that would be a good way to get them – perhaps they’d be jealous? But to any teenage boys out there, if the girl you like is the tiniest bit insecure, don’t talk to them about other girls you like. It’ll just make them think you don’t like them at all and they haven’t got a chance. Chris also told me that the dreaded “friend zone” only applies to members of the male sex, because I’m slightly worried that I may be stuck in Luke’s friend zone. Is that true? I don’t know. I think it’s hard for a girl to be in the friend zone, but not impossible. And can I just say, it’s not hard for guys to get out of the friend zone. All you have to do is stop acting like her friend and start acting like her boyfriend – take her arm, cuddle, take her on romantic dates… Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be but you just need to make her see you as boyfriend material. And if you’re good friends, you’ll know exactly what she wants from a boyfriend – be that.

This afternoon, I watched Gone With the Wind. Wow. What a film! It didn’t even seem *that* long, only because so much happened in it. My maman and I now keep saying “It just ain’t fittin'” to each other, and calling each other “honey child”. Two things I hated: the death of Bonnie. The end. I can’t believe that Rhett gave up then. If he’d just held on for a few more hours, even a few more minutes, then I believe they could have been happy together. But now we’ll never know.

I may or may not be going to a gallery with Luke tomorrow. I’m not sure. His glasses broke, and he can’t go blind. But if I do, I’ll put some of Chris’s tips into practice and see where they lead.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

Death is a distant rumour to the young

Dear all,

Last night my friend Chris nearly died in a car crash. He was driving along a dual carriageway at 50mph, swerved to avoid hitting a deer, skidded and then crashed into a tree. Thank god it was the back of his car that hit the tree, or else he might be dead now. As it is, he’s just got scratches and bruises, but no broken bones or anything. I can’t believe it. I know there are lots of car crashes and so on, but you never think it’ll happen to someone you know. And the back half of his car is pretty much totalled. It makes me nervous, and in a hurry to get things done. I don’t want to die yet – there’s so much more I have to do.

I still don’t know what to do about Luke. This incident has made me want to just go for it even more. But something is still stopping me.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

Google doesn’t have all the answers

Dear all,

I’ve been googling inane things all day. Mostly to do with relationships. But Google doesn’t have all the answers. It can’t tell me about Luke. He is the Chuck to my Blair, except I’m nicer than Blair and he’s not as assertive as Chuck. But, however dysfunctional a relationship with him might be, I need to give it a try. I want him. I don’t know if he feels anything for me, but I’ve been looking at photos from prom and remembering it all and I haven’t felt like this about anyone before.

I’m going to bed. But I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

Luke vs Brian: The final showdown

Dear all,

You may recall that I am currently tossed on the horns of a furious dilemma, which incidentally mentally sort of came to a head on Saturday night.

Now, I’m a list person and yesterday afternoon I sat down and wrote a list of pros and cons for both Brian and Luke. They both had a roughly equal ratio of pros to cons, although both sides were longer for Luke. I then emailed a very good friend of mine, whose opinion I greatly respect, and asked him what to do. He said that I knew in my heart that I didn’t want a relationship with Brian. It was Luke I really wanted and I shouldn’t try to deceive myself. And he’s right. He really is. I think I just needed to hear it from someone else.

But now I have another condundrum. What shall I do next? I don’t really want to just leave it hanging forever, because I kind of feel like I ought to take a chance and go for it. However, there are a few things stopping me.

1. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I could take it if he said no, but if he said no and then we stopped being friends that might just break my heart.
2. I don’t want to come on too strong in case it scares him off.
3. I don’t know how to approach the subject or what to say. When I have something hard to say, I like to plan it in advance but I haven’t got a clue. Everything sounds wrong, doesn’t sound like me.

“I fancy you.”
“I have a crush on you.” – both too teenage girly.

“I have feelings for you.” – too serious.

“Would you like to go out with me?”
“Would you like to be my boyfriend?” – too serious and too official.

So I thought that what I might do is test the waters by asking Joshua if he thinks I’d stand a chance with Luke. I don’t know how to approach this either, but I think it’d be easier. Just to ask him if he thinks Luke might feel the same way, what he thinks I ought to do about it… after all, he knows Luke better than I do and if, as I think may be the case, Luke has said something to him then he’s the person to ask about this sort of thing.

I might ask Jack too, though he doesn’t like Luke very much.

I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m terrified already.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

P.S. [15:11] I just asked Jack. He simply said “no”. OK. Huge blow to my confidence. Added to that, Jack seems to really hate Luke. I don’t like it when my friends don’t like each other. Jack says he thinks Luke is too immature generally, meaning he couldn’t handle a romantic relationship. I don’t know. Maybe he’s right.

I just feel like Blair from Gossip Girl. Luke can be arrogant and rude and thoughtless, but I still have these feelings for him. When he was drunk on Saturday all I wanted to do was stay with him and protect him, stop him doing anything stupid. And however awful Chuck was, Blair just couldn’t tear herself away. Now that I’ve finally admitted to myself that I’m obviously not over Luke, I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve been trying to repress it and now it’s all come tumbling out again. What, oh what, to do?

Prom #2

Dear all,

Can I just say that there is only one thing sexier than a guy in a tuxedo – a guy in a tuxedo that’s all crumpled because he just spent the night in it sleeping next to you. But more on that later.

Brian’s school’s prom started with drinks outside. I met him at about seven and we went and stood and mingled. We chatted and I met several people (some I knew already and some I didn’t) and were generally very civilised. Then we were all ushered inside and sat at tables. There were little placecards with our names on. I had Brian on one side and Luke on the other. You can see already that this would turn out to be an interesting evening. I can’t quite get the chronology right in my head, so I’ll just tell you all the different sections of what happened.

There was a leisurely dinner. I didn’t eat much, actually, but the food was quite good. Vegetarian main course slightly disappointing, although it did contain asparagus. Much chattage. I was introduced to all the other people on our table, including one called Volski. That’s a nickname – the first bit of his surname. He’s Russian. He has several very Russian traits, including being good at table tennis and being very persuasive.

I didn’t dance, actually. I considered it but decided I didn’t feel like it.

I met someone called Thomas #2* who knows Brother. They both run for the school. We (me, Thomas #2, Volski and Brian) walked round the school outside, chatting. We climbed over a wall. It was very nice. Thomas #2 is going to the same university as me next year and seems very quiet but kind.

We were all given two foot hot air balloon-type-things, where you light the bottom then let them go. Like in that Roald Dahl book. There must have been about a hundred of them and they all looked to beautiful drifting away.

The Chat
Luke was very drunk, and at one point we found ourselves alone together in a place without too much loud music. So I said to him, and these are almost my exact words, “I’m only telling you this because you’re so spectacularly drunk that you probably won’t remember it tomorrow, but you know I’d much rather have come with you than with Brian.” He just said “Oh, that’s so sweet. What’s wrong with Brian?” I don’t think he got it at the time. However, later he twice came up to me with a slightly bemused look and started saying “Did we have a conversation earlier…?” but then we were interrupted. I’m sure he’d told Joshua, though, because he was giving me very penetrating looks.

Anyway, the official prom ended at around midnight. There was going to be an after party in some kind of alcohol establishment, but Brian went home and we (me, Luke, Joshua, Joshua’s date and Volski) all went back to Joshua’s house. We sat and chatted until around four in the morning. Luke and Volski got into a very heated argument, perhaps because Luke was being more than usually obnoxious, but at one point I was genuinely afraid that it might come to blows. But it didn’t. And eventually we went to bed. Luke and I ended up in sleeping bags next to each other. I was very sleepy but at some point in the night/morning I snuggled up to Luke and he didn’t appear to object. In fact, he turned his face towards me and at one point, had I reached out a little, we could have kissed.

But we didn’t. Anyway, it felt so nice to be sleeping next to him. He’s warm and feels very solid and secure. We woke up at around seven. Luke looked so good in his crumpled tux that I could have jumped him right there and then. I’d taken my bra off so that I could sleep more comfortably (in my dress!) and so went to the bathroom to put it back on. The others may or may not have been talking about the Luke-Wilhelm Scream sleeping situation. I’m not sure. Anyway, Luke and I left soon afterwards. We had a brief, slightly awkward goodbye before setting off on our respective journeys home. I suppose if you travel on public transport early on a Sunday morning in a smart dress it’s almost standard to be stared at by everyone.

I didn’t have enough money to get me all the way home, so walked for the last forty minutes. My feet were killing me by the end, but I do like walking. It’s a nice way to think, and it was all deserted and I could hear the birds singing. And so I got home about half an hour ago and am here, typing this and eating a slightly stale pain au chocolat.

But now I don’t know what to do. Brian/Luke-wise, I mean. Should I press things with Luke, should I ask Joshua for advice or should I just give up on Luke and go for Brian instead? Help!

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

*I have a question for y’all. See, this person is called the same thing IRL as this Thomas. So I wondered whether you’d rather I made up a different pseudonym for each person or whather I ought to just make up one for each name I encounter and people with the same real name will have the same pseudonym. What do you think? Also, if it is the same name then should I refer to them by numbers or letters (e.g. Thomas #1 and Thomas #2 or Thomas A and Thomas B)?

Failed. Again.

Dear all,

Today I failed my driving test for the second time. I made a mistake within the first ten minutes that I knew meant I had failed so I had to drive around for the next half hour just knowing it was totally pointless. I was so nervous and I don’t really know why. I failed for a stupid mistake last time and failed for what was possibly an even more stupid mistake this time. This is the frustrating thing. I know I can drive well – even the examiner said so. He said he doesn’t know why I was so nervous, but obviously the nerves just got to me. And he’s right.

I didn’t think my mother understood, because she kept saying “It’s not the end of the world”, and “there’s always next time”. But then she did say one thing very helpful: “When you do get it, it’ll last until you’re 75”. Because I was seriously considering just giving up, but that made me think that I ought to keep going because these few months of torture will give me a lifetime of driving.

I ought to have passed. And it’s all my fault that I didn’t. But I can live with that.

Tonight is prom with Brian. To be honest, I have hardly ever felt less like going out. But I will go, and I will at least be contented even if I don’t have an amazing time. Must go get ready. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

Never forget

Dear all,

Today was the last day of school. Ever. I cried.

The moment that really got to me was in our leavers’ assembly, when the head of sixth form was making a really nice speech, and she got to the bit about her class (which includes me, of course). Today was “Uniform Day”, when everyone came dressed up in their old shirts and skirts and so on. I’ve only been there for a few years so I didn’t have anything, so I brought my shirt from my last muck-up day, at the end of Year 11. However, at break time I nicked a proper one from lost property. Everyone signed it. Then, in leavers’ assembly I was just sitting there, thinking about the very first time I’d been in that hall. Then I looked around and everyone was wearing the same colours and I was wearing them too and my teacher was talking about all of us and in that moment I just felt that I belonged so completely there that I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else right then.

I’ll miss it so much, because this time I’m not moving on to another school – I’ll never have the structure and routine of school life again. I’ll miss all the people.

You know, one of my favourite things that people wrote on my shirt was that one girl (who I’m not ever *that* friends with) wrote the word “LEGEND”. I feel like I’ve been so accepted there. I’ll miss it so.

Never forget where you’ve come here from
Never pretend that it’s all real
Someday soon this will be someone else’s dream…

I hope that when it is, they’ll think it’s as good a dream as I have done.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

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