The strangest person in the world

Dear all,

I did decide to buy the shoes in the end. I just couldn’t pass up an opportunity to get some beautiful and versatile shoes which actually fit my stupidly narrow feet. I do feel a bit bad, but there you go. One has to weigh up one’s priorities.

We had an exam today, which went pretty well, although my teacher made a very odd comment to me afterwards which makes me think that he thought I had been cheating. I hadn’t. I wouldn’t ever do that. I’d rather fail honourably than succeed dishonourably, because I’d never be able to live with myself.

Veronica gets extra time. Nadia and I asked her why, and she said that apparently she has some learning disability. Dyslexia? No. Dyspraxia? No. What is it? I don’t know. Ridiculous. Veronica does not need extra time for exams, nor does she need to use a computer for them. She, despite pitifully low self-esteem, is actually very intelligent and expresses herself very well and has an excellent command of the English language. She has no problems at all in class normally and does not even know herself why she gets extra time. Unless she’s hiding some huge secret problem, but if she is then she does a damn good job. Nadia agrees with me. It’s so stupid how many people get extra time when they obviously don’t have proper learning difficulties. It makes a mockery of the system.

As you may remember, I am trying to eat more in order to gain weight. This project has somewhat fallen by the wayside due to unpleasant effects it appears to be having on my digestive system. My abdomen is really bloated and I have a lot of wind. Ew. Smelly. I think that once study leave starts I will get a handle on this and try and stop this goddamn bloating once and for all – I’ve suffered from it for years, but it stopped for a few months at the beginning of the year. Now it’s come back. I can’t really deal with it right now, but I will soon. I’ll need to. Furthermore, I need to pee all the time, because I’m so thirsty I’m drinking up to double what I usually would in a day. I’ve never been one to drink much, and indeed my maman has often said that I’ll get kidney failure, but now I’m drinking almost as much as one is supposed to in a day. However, more drinking means more toilet trips. How inconvenient. It doesn’t even seem to be having much of an impact on my skin, which is as dry as ever.

I’ve been working hard for my language oral exams, and have identified my main problem. I am too lazy to learn vocabularly and grammar properly. I am always told that I express myself well and with confidence, but that the lexis I use is far too limited. But I just can’t be bothered to learn more words when I can say what I want to say with the words I know. Harrumph.

I was going to go out on Saturday night, but the performance has been cancelled. How sad. Another evening at home, I suppose. Still, I’ll have time to do that drama essay.

Today, several people have asked me “What are you looking at me like that for?” This is because when I am not around people my face adopts a neutral expression which can seem hostile. I slip into it when reading or watching a play or film too, and today I looked up to say something to someone with my “reading face” on. You know, I think I sometimes have problems expressing emotions and relating to people. I’ve worked long and hard to improve my social skills and am now an expert bluffer and seem to interact almost like a normal person, but inside I’m not feeling happy or excited or anything. I’m just looking at the world and letting it happen. I don’t mean that I’m unhappy. Just that I’m not prone to great flushes of emotion, and so I fake it til I make it. But I still haven’t made it. I also find it almost impossible to release stress. If I’m feeling tense or stressed I just bottle it up and internalise it and can’t seem to find any way of letting it out.

I sometimes think I am the strangest person in the world. Other times I think everyone is secretly as strange as I am – they’re just hiding it very well. I don’t know.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

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