Luke vs Brian: The final showdown

Dear all,

You may recall that I am currently tossed on the horns of a furious dilemma, which incidentally mentally sort of came to a head on Saturday night.

Now, I’m a list person and yesterday afternoon I sat down and wrote a list of pros and cons for both Brian and Luke. They both had a roughly equal ratio of pros to cons, although both sides were longer for Luke. I then emailed a very good friend of mine, whose opinion I greatly respect, and asked him what to do. He said that I knew in my heart that I didn’t want a relationship with Brian. It was Luke I really wanted and I shouldn’t try to deceive myself. And he’s right. He really is. I think I just needed to hear it from someone else.

But now I have another condundrum. What shall I do next? I don’t really want to just leave it hanging forever, because I kind of feel like I ought to take a chance and go for it. However, there are a few things stopping me.

1. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I could take it if he said no, but if he said no and then we stopped being friends that might just break my heart.
2. I don’t want to come on too strong in case it scares him off.
3. I don’t know how to approach the subject or what to say. When I have something hard to say, I like to plan it in advance but I haven’t got a clue. Everything sounds wrong, doesn’t sound like me.

“I fancy you.”
“I have a crush on you.” – both too teenage girly.

“I have feelings for you.” – too serious.

“Would you like to go out with me?”
“Would you like to be my boyfriend?” – too serious and too official.

So I thought that what I might do is test the waters by asking Joshua if he thinks I’d stand a chance with Luke. I don’t know how to approach this either, but I think it’d be easier. Just to ask him if he thinks Luke might feel the same way, what he thinks I ought to do about it… after all, he knows Luke better than I do and if, as I think may be the case, Luke has said something to him then he’s the person to ask about this sort of thing.

I might ask Jack too, though he doesn’t like Luke very much.

I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m terrified already.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

P.S. [15:11] I just asked Jack. He simply said “no”. OK. Huge blow to my confidence. Added to that, Jack seems to really hate Luke. I don’t like it when my friends don’t like each other. Jack says he thinks Luke is too immature generally, meaning he couldn’t handle a romantic relationship. I don’t know. Maybe he’s right.

I just feel like Blair from Gossip Girl. Luke can be arrogant and rude and thoughtless, but I still have these feelings for him. When he was drunk on Saturday all I wanted to do was stay with him and protect him, stop him doing anything stupid. And however awful Chuck was, Blair just couldn’t tear herself away. Now that I’ve finally admitted to myself that I’m obviously not over Luke, I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve been trying to repress it and now it’s all come tumbling out again. What, oh what, to do?

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