Cuddle buddy required. Must give good hugs.

Dear all,

I went to the theatre tonight. Although the play wasn’t very good, it was a good lesson in playwrighting.

My creepy teacher is making everyone go to their house for a revision session – it seems I am the only one to get out of it. I am grateful I have such understanding parents. I also think that my teacher trusts me to get on with my own revision and to do it well.

My jealousy is still bubbling away. I am trying out being unavailable in the hope that it will lead him to sort of miss talking to me and to make contact, perhaps even suggest that we meet up. But you know, I’m not totally de mauvaise foi. He never seems to want to see me – I suggest something and he never sounds excited or makes an attempt to follow it up. And, as we have seen, he has rescheduled (i.e. postponed, i.e. postponed indefinitely, i.e. cancelled) more than once.

Also, I need a cuddle buddy – see number fifteen. The best thing about a guy I sort-of dated early last year (despite the fact that we had little in common and it fizzled out after a month or two) was having someone put their arm around me while watching a film – little things like that. Not overtly sexual, but just to be held. I was in a play once with someone who gave the best hugs. I wish I could hug him now, just bury my face in his chest and stay there for hours. I just feel so physically alone. I never used to like physical displays of affection, like hugs – I was never very touchy feely. But I forced myself to learn to enjoy hugging people hello and goodbye and now I can’t get enough of it. Brian would be an excellent cuddle buddy. He’d be perfect for watching DVDs on the sofa with. But he never contacts me either. I wish I were prettier.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

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1918: Fail

Dear all,

Is it bad that I am starting to get seriously jealous that Luke and Nadia seem to be facebooking each other rather a lot? I just feel that he should be facebooking me more, you know. I’m not going to tell either of them not to facebook each other. Hell, if he asked her out then I’d me angry at first but after a while I’d be OK with her dating him. I think. As long as she asked my permission, because she knows I fancy him. I’d be furious if she dated him behind my back, I really would. Bros before hoes, people. Put male members of your family higher in the pecking order than items of garden equipment. Very important.

I just got back from the pub quiz. It was good. You know, I’ve never thought of myself as very likeable or attractive, but I do seem to be good at making friends with people. So maybe I am likeable – or at least have become likeable. The attractive thing still obviously needs a lot of work.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

Yes, no, maybe, I don’t know – can you repeat the question?

Dear all,

My exam today was good. I could not have asked for better questions, really. I came out of the exam thinking “BEST EXAM EVER!” but have now started the long, slow process of questioning myself in which I start to find things I did wrong and end up convinced there’s no way I could get an A.

And my hand didn’t die. One down, four to go!

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

Illiterate.

Dear all,

I’ve been copying out old essays in a bid to try and remember how to write! However, I find writing for extended periods of time very painful. My arm starts to seize up and my finger joints become very stiff. Sometimes my whole arm tingles. I hate being such a slow writer, I really do. It makes exams so difficult as I never manage to physically write as much as other people do. It is this which means I am now very concise. However, concision is not really an advantage in drama exams, as you just need to write so much to get the marks. I’m praying I manage to write enough tomorrow. This is always my biggest fear in exams – not that I won’t know what to write but that I won’t be able to write everything down.

Also, my hand smells like onions. I must have onion-gunk deep under my nails because I can’t quite make it go away. It’s icky.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

I desire a desire

Dear all,

Nothing much to report, apart from the fact that I am so bored. Oh my god. My mind is atrophying through lack of use. I need to do an exam.

Basically, today I have been moping around at home and reading some old essays, in a misguided attempt at revision. It’s a terrible situation because I can’t decide to just do something, like watch a film, because I ought to be revising. But oh lordy me… revision… so mind-numbingly dull… You, when I revise, because I have done it all before, I feel like I know it all already. So reading over notes etc just makes me glaze over and I don’t really take it in. That’s why I like to do past papers – at least you have to actively engage with the material.

Exam on Thursday. Come on. Let tomorrow go quickly.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

Sing Ho! for the life of a Bear!

Dear all,

Luke got his present and has mentioned nothing about stamps. Huzzah! And he seems to really like it.

I have decided that over summer I am going to have a lot of adventures. Veronica is planning a birthday adventure for the weekend after next, straight after exams finish, and it all sounds terribly exciting. I think this summer is when I will explore the world around me and go out of my comfort zone. I have several books to read too, on art and history and other cultures. I shall also need, unfortunately, to work my way through some of my university reading list. I would very much like to go and visit Chris at some point. We discussed me visiting him at Easter, but it never really happened. However, I shall require an invitation and I don’t know if I shall get one as he is terribly busy at the moment.

Exam on Thursday. Not ready. Not working either. Oh god. I just want to get them all over and done with.

Love and other indoor adventures,
Wilhelm Scream.

Girl points

Dear all,

I feel so very apathetic about life right now. My first exam is in four days, but I can’t seem to get myself together to revise. Superficially, I am sure it’ll all turn out OK in the end. Deep down I am terrified I won’t get my grades. I keep running the numbers in my head – in three of my four subjects, I can get a C this year in the exams and still get an A overall. But they’re not much comfort.

It is just so hard to get up in the mornings nowadays. I wake up at around eight usually, an hour before my alarm goes off. I’m wide awake but I can’t bring myself to get up. I’m just thinking, “I haven’t got anything particular to do. I might as well stay in bed for five more minutes and finish thinking.” Then it’s half past ten and I’m still in bed. I’m not depressed. Far from it. I’m happy, but in a detached sort of way. I don’t feel the drive to do anything particular – instead, I’m fine just drifting round the house, surfing the net and watching DVDs.

The situation is very awkward. I can’t make myself work hard, but I also can’t give myself permission to relax. My revision plan has been abandoned completely but it’s still sitting above my desk for me to see all the time. I want it to be the 20th of June. All exams over and kickass things planned for that weekend. I’m so looking forward to it.

Unclutterer has a very timely article about this. I am usually at my most productive in the autumn term, when I’m typically rehearsing for a play as well as doing all my other extra-curriculars. Now that I have no routine and nothing particular to do, I’m just drifting. I’m a surfer, not a sailor, but I haven’t got any big waves.

I have also been thinking about man points and the female equivalent, woman points. I feel that current definitions of woman points are sadly lacking. I agree with many of the things that lose you woman points (which will henceforth be called “girl points” because it sounds better), but come on… waxing gives you girl points?? How unempowering! I think we need to come up with some proper things which get you girl points. I suggest they focus on self-respect.

For example:
+ Making the most of what you’ve got (in some way or another)
+ Succeeding in a male-dominated field
+ Staying sober

– Begging
– Saying yes to someone just to shut them up
– Just ordering a salad when you’re starving

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

Some witty quote

Dear all,

Nadia said something today, which made me laugh and made me think about the future too. One of the in-jokes I have with my current group of schoolfriends is what a “wild child” I am. I am very “clean living” – don’t drink, don’t smoke, vegetarian, don’t take drugs. This has therefore given rise to a great many jokes about me having to lay off the illicit substances and my friends trying to make me take sips of their alcohol. I really enjoy this, actually. I hope it develops with my university friends too. Also, with some other very close friends, we always make innuendos and lesbian jokes (short hair, never wears pink, heels, skirts…). They practically make me cackle. If I don’t have that with people at uni I shall be vaguely nostalgic and triste.

I was having a Facebook inbox conversation (a pretty epic one) with Nadia and Veronica. Veronica went away for dinner while Nadia and I carried on chatting. It turned from a summer plans thing to a Wilhelm Scream’s love life thing. Nadia knows about Luke and knows all about Brian, and we were discussing them. Veronica came back and gave a summary of the conversation while she’d been away, as a kind of “Am I getting this right?” thing. And one the things was “Amis and Brian = out of your league. Luke = nice but gay. Perfect for me then!”. Wow. That hurt. That’s not what Nadia and I were saying at all. Not even close. In fact, Nadia was saying how obviously they liked me and how I should play it with them.

I don’t know if Veronica meant that they’re out of my league or not – it seems very blunt. I know she’s angling for me to get together with Amis. And part of my convo with Nadia was how I could avoid seeing Amis next weekend. In fact, Veronica has been weirdly insistent that I am secretly in love with Amis. I think she probably is. I am seriously dreading having to see Amis IRL. We have nothing in common. My facebook and msn conversations with him have been seriously strained on my part. I blocked him from MSN and facebook chat, but it would be too rude just to delete him from facebook altogether.

Also, I can’t decide whether [F/f]acebook should be capitalised or not.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

Abuse of a privilege

Dear all,

My general idiocy has reached new specific heights. My story comes in three parts.

1. This morning I decided that I’d post Luke his birthday present to end this irritating uncertainty about when or if we will meet up. So I put it in an envelope and put the envelope in the post box.

2. I realised I hadn’t put any stamps on it. I ran home and got stamps and then went back to the post box around the time of the advertised last collection. No sign of the postie, and it looked like he’d already been. So I ran to the local post office, presuming that’s where the letters would have been taken. It had been closed down. So I went home again, cursing myself.

3. I got my stamps again and wrote a note. “Dear postie,” it said. “I posted a letter this morning without any stamps on. I attach the correct postage to this note. Kindly stick the stamps onto the large brown envelope addressed to XXXXX. I apologise for the inconvenience and hope you can forgive my inattentiveness.” I put the stamps and note into the post box (by now it was ten minutes past the stated last collection time) and prayed.

I’m not sure whether to say anything to Luke about it. Because if I do say something and it turns out the postie did get my note and Luke’s present arrives without any trouble, I’ll look stupid. But if I don’t say anything and the postie got my note too late, then I’ll look both stupid and horrible, for making him pay postage plus £1 admin charge plus trekking to his local post office to get it. And it’s not exciting enough to be worth all that, frankly.

I am so spectacularly stupid. Good at exams, bad at life. That’s me. Argh.

Furthermore, I have somehow managed to arrange to have coffee one-on-one with two people I seriously don’t want to spend time alone with – one tomorrow and one a week today. This is awful. The first one will be dull but tolerable, although there will be little opportunity for escape. The second one will be torture but if I play my cards right I ought to be able to leave fairly early. I want to continue being friends with the first one, so see it as a kind of duty to go and have coffee with them. However, I would not be too upset if I were to give up all acquaintance with the second one. It’s not to say that the second one isn’t nice, but we do not seem to have an awful lot in common and he seems rather over eager to facebook me all the time. I have put it off as long as possible, but sometimes it just becomes cruel to dither any longer. I shall see how it goes, and if necessary I shall block him from facebook and MSN and so disappear off the face of his earth. How tedious.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

Guinevere Incapability Brown

Dear all,

I had another headache today. Just a small one, and it soon went away. I have done very little work indeed – I slept in until nearly lunchtime and then went shopping this afternoon with my mother. I bought flip flops for the shower at university.

I am so very excited about leaving home. I cannot wait to have a place I can really call my own, where I can go into my room and lock the door and know that no one will disturb me.

I was discussing warm clothes with my mother today. She thinks I will freeze to death, and I am inclined to agree with her. There seems to be so much extra I will need for university – I intend to throw an awful lot of things away this summer. A fresh start to a more uncluttered lifestyle. I so dislike mess in my own personal space, but at the moment I just seem to have too much stuff to keep everything tidy.

My first exam is in six days. It hasn’t really sunk in – it still seems so far away. I fear I am becoming terribly lazy and not doing enough work and I won’t get my grades. I so desperately hope I do. Not that I would mind going to my insurance choice – it just seems so silly to not do as well as I know I can. To give up on my first choice because of sheer laziness. I comfort myself by telling myself that I did well last year, so I have a good UMS cushion, if you will. But still. I ought to be working more. I’m just so tired all the time. So drowsy. I wake up and I’m sleepy again almost immediately.

Lots of love,
Wilhelm Scream.

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